lost

i'm kinda down these couple of days. it's weird how life throws these twists and turns which is so unexpected that it hits you right in your face. and no matter how many times you fall and thought you learnt your lesson, you WILL fall again. i'm not talking about anything specific here. just pouring my heart out. which bring rise to another conflict. i've always held true to the idea that a guy should never pour out his feelings to anyone (besides my girl, obviously). but what the heck am i doing here? the main reason i choose to start writing here is the fact that i thought it could make me feel better on really crappy days like now. but i know realize it doesn't really help. i bet you noticed (if there is actually someone following my blog) that my entries are getting further apart. i realized at first blogging was really fun when my mood is right and i KNOW someone is actually reading it. but as time flies by, i also realized that i just can't write everything down in words. sometimes i just can't explain my feelings. that is especially true when my mood sucks and i don't even know what i want anymore. what will people think of me when they read this blog? will they laugh when i'm feeling down? i guess i still DO care about my image. stupid ego.i often wonder at night, "will anyone miss me if i'm gone for good? will people remember me?". these used to be frequently in my thoughts a few years back. it hasn't really bothered me much since my high school days but lately it's creeping back. i hate it when i'm feeling so vulnerable. so low on confidence. why do i even care what people think? shouldn't i concentrate on what i want instead? i guess as humans, we are but social beings. we can't live alone, trapped in our own cocoon. i would really want to continue but it's getting a bit to weird. i'm still not used to writing my feelings down although i'm still convinced it can help me. the pressure all around is really getting to me these few days. studies, family, relationship etc. the problem i face trying to confide in someone is that i'm always afraid someone is going to ridicule me. i know my problems are mostly trivial but really, all i need is a listening ear and a shoulder to lean on. i don't need any brilliant solutions. besides, i'm barely 21... these ARE the problems of a perfectly healthy teenager isn't it?these past couple of weeks, i was told that i actually look older than my age. i must admit, that took me by surprise. i always thought i had some innocent, childish look. but come to think of it, it has been some time since i spent more than 5 minutes in front of the mirror. i guess i was just being ignorant. what's going on with me? i don't give a damn on how i look. i don't give a damn on what people say about me. constantly low on confidence. yet sometimes i stay awake at night wondering what people thinking if people would remember me... how conflicting can i get?i took a step on refreshing my image last week. i finally got my hair cut. my hair was shoulder length a few days ago. but right now... ermmm... i can't really say how i look. the reason why i didn't want to get a hair cut in the first place was that it reminded me of being a little bit rebellious by going against the university rule, reignites the ambers of old. but then i realized i need to get out of this emotional pit-hole before i fall too deep. after some convincing by her, i finally decided it's time to change. once again , i never revealed this to anyone for fear of being ridiculed. well, laugh all you want but a haircut does have a bigger influence than you think. and caring about my appearance is not being vain. i just need to feel more comfortable with myself.
well, i'm feeling a bit dizzy right now. by the way, an update of what's going on in my studies. i just had a paper today - mechanics of materials. it was ok but it sucks at the same time. i don't know.. let the result speak for itself ok? and i'm going to have another paper next week - engineering materials. so i guess my next entry would take some time.
anyway... i know my blog is becoming a little bit boring but i need time to open up, you know?
cheers...